Thanks for reminding me.
She plans the best activities for when I’m here.
We’re at the post office now. Next, the grocery store.
I know I change
but whose is this vapid face
pitted and vast, rotund
suspended in empty paper
as though in a telescope
the granular moon
I rise from my chair
pulling against gravity
I turn away
and go out into the garden
I revolve among the vegetables,
my head ponderous
reflecting the sun
in shadows from the pocked ravines
cut in my cheeks, my eye-
sockets 2 craters
among the paths
the apple trees
white white spinning
stars around me
I am being
eaten away by light
Like, ones that I can actually see and touch and go places with.
I once wanted to be a fashion designer (I was 6), a veterinarian, a preschool teacher (I did that and it’s the only thing I’ve ever been good at), a NICU nurse, a social worker, and about a million other things.
Now I just want to do something, anything where I will be able to make enough money to get out of my mother’s house and be able to buy cat food and litter for the 73 cats I’ll eventually have.
I started writing a “Sex and Marriage” type of post a few days ago, but I deleted it because, well…it depressed me. Anyway, here’s kind of what it would have been like.
I’ve never been married. I’m 29 and I’ve never even been in what you could call a relationship.
I’ve had sex, although not nearly as much as I’d like. Almost all of it happened with married men or men that were in a relationship with someone else. And except for one of them, I didn’t know they were involved with someone else until we’d already slept together.
I’ve always been hidden, been a secret, been someone that no one else can know about. Someone that it’s ok to fuck then leave. A form of that even happens here. I receive messages from a couple people that are always marked “private”. Kind of like “Don’t post this, I don’t want anyone to know that I talk to you.”
Even the guy that was here with me all last week is married. He hasn’t lived with her for almost two years, but he’s still married. (Yes, we were involved while they were still “together”). He loves me, I know he does. He wants to be with me, he says he wants to have a family with me. I want those things, but just not with him. I’ve been thinking for weeks how much less complicated things would be if I could just love him back. But I can’t.
I’ve only ever loved one person. Nothing will ever happen between us and I’ll never be ok with what little part of him that I do have.
Other than so incredibly fucking irritable. I’ve felt like this for over two weeks. It’s been much, much worse the last two or three days. I normally hold in the greatest majority of my emotions. Yes, I do occasionally lash out, but nothing like I have been the last few days. It’s like I have absolutely no control over what comes out of my mouth. I’ve been so, I guess, mean. TMI: I did change my BCM two weeks ago. It caused my period to be a week late, so instead of my regular week of PMS, I had two. Two weeks of horribly painful cramps, which in itself is enough to make me moody, but I know it’s something else. I don’t know what, but there is definitely something else going on.
Last Sunday someone came to visit me. Traveled half-way across the country to see me. Seriously. From New York to Texas. I have been a complete bitch to him the whole time he’s been here. I knew that I should have never told him it was ok for him to come here. I knew before he even left that I didn’t want to have anything to do with him anymore. We worked together when we both lived in Kansas. I never really “liked” him. I was just incredibly lonely and he paid me a little bit of attention so I convinced myself that I did. We haven’t had and won’t have sex. I’ve barely let him touch me, little more than a kiss on the cheek. I jerk away from him every time he tries to touch me. He was supposed to leave on Sunday and he didn’t. Until very late last night I thought that he would be leaving this morning. He didn’t. He’s leaving tomorrow. That made me furious. He’s eating so loudly beside me right now that I want to stab him with my fork.
Last night I was absolutely horrible to the only person who is always there for me, who always listens to me whine and complain, the only person who can make me laugh when I’m my most depressed. I’m so incredibly sorry, but I think I’ve really fucked things up this time. I don’t think I can fix what I’ve done.
There’s something wrong with me.