I Have No Idea.

My family left for vacation last Sunday. I didn’t go because I was supposed to be working. I’ve only worked two days since they left, my shift was cancelled every other day. I haven’t worked since last Tuesday. So I really could have gone with them instead of sitting by myself consuming entirely too much wine and fast food most of those days.

I tend to overthink the most when I’m alone. Mostly about why I am alone, what’s so wrong with me that I’m almost 29 and still alone, and how most days I feel like I’ll always be alone. I know it’s pretty pathetic. I, obviously, should spend more time looking for a new job instead of focusing on the craziness going on in my head.

I reached out to a few people in the last week and it seemed to me like they didn’t have time for me or just didn’t want to talk to me. I realize that in most of those situations I was just imagining it. I always feel like if I try to start a conversation or even text someone first that I am bothering them. I know that if I would have pushed it or even told them how I was feeling they would have listened to me whine for awhile. But I hate to admit that I’m needy, even though I so completely am.

It really kind of irritates me that in the online world I get a huge amount of attention from men, but in the real world no one ever seems to even notice me. This has made me realize that maybe the way I look isn’t what has always turned people away but maybe it’s who I am. When I thought it was a physical thing I could blame it on everyone else. Now I realize that it’s probably very obvious how insecure I am, therefore my fault.

I’m writing this while waiting for new tires to be put on my car. I’ve been sitting here so long that my ass is numb. Good news though, I should only have to wait about an hour more.

I’ve loved reading all the amazing posts I’ve seen today about your fathers or other positive male figures in your lives.  

I can’t write anything like that.  My father is an asshole, and that’s probably one of the kindest things I have ever said about him.  

My parents divorced when I was 5.  He remarried a few years later.  His wife had three daughters when they married, they then had twin daughters together.  I read today on both of the, now 17-year-old, twin’s Facebook pages about how they “couldn’t ask for a better Daddy” and how he the “best Dad ever.”  He has always taken care of and supported all 5 of them physically and emotionally.  He has never done anything for me other than make me question my self-worth.  I haven’t seen or spoken to him in almost 10 years.  

For a very long time I thought that the reason that he had nothing to do with me was because  I wasn’t good enough for him.  I am nothing like his other daughters.  They are all very tall, very thin, and very blonde. I am not.  Luckily, I eventually realized that there’s nothing wrong with me, that I’m actually very fortunate to have not had him in my life.  I’m much better off without him. 

Eating a burger and I dripped some on my shirt. So, I obviously just take off my shirt and continue eating.

HOW DO I NOT HAVE A BOYFRIEND?!

I’m going to miss them. They took the good hair straightener with them.

I don’t swim. I hate sand. And the sun. And being hot. And sweating. I have to pee every 30 minutes. I burn even if I constantly apply sunblock. I will complain about all these things the whole time we’re there.

I don’t know why people ask me to go places with them.

Like constantly, non-stop everyday.  It’s incredibly boring, pays almost nothing, and I never know for sure what hours I will work. I have to call a number everyday to listen to recording telling me when to come in.  

BUT, there is nothing better than calling and hearing “There will be no shift in Huntsville today.”

So, yeah, unexpected day off.  

But not physically, more like emotionally exhausted.  I, of course, won’t be able to sleep.  So I’ll just be here in bed for the next few hours over-thinking and over-analyzing any and everything.    

(I haven’t posted anything too depressing in a while.  I thought one was due.)

All but one of the men that I’ve ever been with has been married or involved with someone else at the time.  Some I found out while we were together and others after we were no longer talking.  One of them I knew about before, but he said they were separated.  I later found out that they really weren’t, he was with her the whole time.  No one has ever been completely truthful with me. 

I’ve been told that I’m better than that, that I deserve so much more but I’m not so sure that I believe it.  If it were true, why are those the only people I surround myself with?  Why are they the ones drawn to me? 

I’m a huge fucking mess right now, I don’t even want to be with me.  

I know that nothing is ever going to happen with the one person I have ever truly wanted.  I cry about it almost everyday.  It kills me.