I Have No Idea.

I have basicly no social skills. It doesn’t matter if it’s someone trying to talk to me in line at the grocery store or trying to chat online, I freeze up and can’t speak. And if for some reason I’m actually able to I second guess myself and think about how ridiculous the things I just said sounded.

When I was younger I was constantly referred to as shy. I despise that word, it was my one identifying quality. When my mother or grandmother would introduce me to someone new it was always “This is Amanda, she’s shy” before I would even try to say anything.

I’m, obviously, incredibly insecure not only about my appearance but also my intelligence and how others perceive me.

But in a good way. In a “Wow, someone’s listening to me, someone cares” kind of way.

For me, the only thing worse than having to ask for help is when the person you ask actually says that, yes, they will help you then they proceed to hold it over your head forfuckingever.

I had a horrible weekend. I’ve been trying really hard to keep emo/despicable Amanda away, but she’s pretty strong and it looks like she’s winning. I just feel like everything is falling down around me.

My ten year high school reunion was this weekend. I, of course, didn’t go. Not only because I couldn’t get off work/didn’t have the money, but also because I feel as if I have accomplished absolutely nothing in the last ten years. I have always been fat but I’m at my heaviest now. The thought of all the judgemental looks I would’ve received was reason enough not to go. There’s only one person that I went to high school with that I still speak to. I was talking to her last night just to see how things went and when I told her about how I would feel inferior to everyone there her response was “Oh, there were lots of other losers there, you would’ve been fine.” That really helped.

Financially, I’m drowning. I only worked 16 hours last week. And I’m so far behind in everything I don’t feel like I will ever catch up. I’ve been looking for a part time job with no luck. I had to ask my mom last week if she would pay my car insurance for me. Two weeks ago one of you guys very generously sent me money just so I could buy groceries. (This was completely by surprise, and I would love to say who it is, but I’m not sure if he wants to be known or not.) My electricity is going to be turned off on Tuesday. I have no one I could even ask to stay with for a week or so. I have no idea what I’m going to do. I just feel so alone. My mom suggested that I move to Texas to live with her. I think I may have to, but I REALLY don’t want to.

I don’t have any of the things that I thought I would by now: a career, a home, a family…not even one of the three. I will be 28-years-old in a few weeks and I still don’t have my shit together.

Both sound equally undesirable.

That sounds about right.

was, strangely, just what I needed. Obviously, I missed them both, but didn’t realize exactly how much until they got here. I hadn’t seen my mom or baby sister since December. They came up for the weekend and Mom just left to go back home to Texas, but Jordan is going to stay for a few weeks. We didn’t go anywhere or do anything, but just seeing them and talking to them in person, rather than on the phone, has put me in a much better mood than I have been in in weeks.

I’m not sure if I’ll be able to say the same thing after spending a few days with a (very) moody preteen, but we’ll see.

I haven’t seen or spoken to him in about eight years. My parents were very young when I was born. My mom was fourteen and my father was sixteen. I have very few memories of when they were still together.

My parents divorced when I was five-years-old. My father, knowing it was coming, arranged to have our home broken into and anything of value was “stolen” to ensure that my mother left the marriage with nothing.

He made up horrible lies about my mother so he was able to gain full custody of my sister and me. He then, after having us for two weeks, dropped us off at our mother’s home and said he didn’t want us anymore. He knew that a 19-year-old single mother of two would not be able to take him back to court so he would not ever have to pay child support. And he never did.

I saw him off and on, never on a regular basis, through my childhood. The visits were always initiated by either my sister or myself. He never called us. He remarried a woman who already had three children and together they had twins. (The twins’ names are Mandi and Brandi. I mean seriously, when you already have a daughter named Amanda and an ex-wife named Randi you name your children Mandi and Brandi, really?) They are still together and he has always provided for all the other children but not for my sister or me. My sister, who lives in the same city as him, has three sweet, funny, beautiful children that he has never seen.

I have never felt like I fit in with their family, never felt like I was good enough for them. They value physical appearance much more than the beauty of who you are inside. They are all very tall, very thin and very blonde. I am none of those.

I used to wonder what made the other girls so special, what they did to make him love them. I was 20-years-old when I realized that I would be better off not having his negativity in my life. Since then I have not tried to contact him, nor has he tried to contact me. I do not regret my decision at all.

OK, I’ve been trying to come up with a new name forever.  I finally have one that I think I like, woe is meh.  Like, I could just sit here and feel sorry for my self, but meh…I’m over it. 

I like it now, but who knows I may change it next week. 

All your hearts, comments and messages made me feel better last night than any of my IRL friends or family have in weeks.

My apartment, which is normally spotless, is littered with fast food wrappers and beer bottles, the sink is overflowing with unwashed dishes that have been there for weeks, and I haven’t walked the dog in days.

The amount of weight I’ve gained since he left me, just under two months ago, is in the double digits.

The whole time my baby sister, 12, was texting me this morning I kept thinking please don’t call me, please don’t call me. I didn’t want to have to ignore her call or worse have her hear my defeated voice over the phone.

I do slightly better if I can force myself out of my depression chamber (aka my basement apartment) and be around other people. It’s just actually getting dressed and leaving that’s the hard part.

I basicly have no one to talk to. I feel like I’m burdening the few people I have reached out to with my problems.

Going to the doctor is out of the question, I have no insurance. (Mini-rant: How the hell can you be a federal employee and have no fucking benefits? It’s bullshit.) AND I’ve only been working an average of 20 hours a week and am barely making it. Having to make the decision on whether to pay my rent or making my car payment and buying groceries doesn’t help at all.